After I had Zac, I was so annoyed with everything. I
hated the sound of him crying, so I dealt with him 24/7. I didn’t like to put
him down to make a cup of tea, or fold the washing, or cook some lunch. I hated
letting other people deal with him because he would end up crying and I would
need to take over. Apparently this isn’t normal, which I don’t understand,
because I carried him for 9 months and then gave birth to him over the course
of a long 36 hour labour. He was mine, but APPARENTLY I should have revelled in
some free time and left him (and the odd visitor) to it.
I still don’t understand that. But nevertheless, I
was bundled off to the doctor and diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. I don’t
believe for a minute I had “depression”, mostly because I don’t really believe that
“depression” is something that can be so quickly diagnosed. I believe it is
more often than not, a symptom of another ongoing medical issue. In hindsight, I
believe that my “depression” was a symptom of the imbalance of hormones caused
by my PCOs. GPs are inherent pill pushers, and after you’ve had a baby
(especially) it is very easy for them to tell you that you’ve got PND, give you
some tablets and send you on your way.
I do believe that depression is real, “People expect that having a baby is going to be a
source of happiness, and of course it is, and should be. But, as a new mother,
you may be very far from feeling this straight away, and this can bring with it
huge anxiety. You may go through a short period of feeling emotional and
tearful, which may be brief and manageable (the 'baby blues'), or you may
develop deeper and longer-term depression (postnatal depression). Very rarely,
a new mother may experience an extremely severe form of depression, known as
puerperal psychosis” (mind.org.uk)
But it could also be something else, which I need to
explain (before you all kill me for being an insensitive bitch, which I’m
really really not!! Just slightly bitter....)....
anti depressants can act as a security blanket; you
know you’re taking them so you know you’re alright. But imagine if someone
swapped those tablets for a sweetener, and you’re completely unaware of it, so
you keep taking them for a week. How would you feel? Would everything still be
the same? Would you still have your “up” days and “down” days? I think yes. If
the anti depressants worked, and were doing the right thing, you wouldn’t have
any up days or down days. Really you should just have “days”, because they
SHOULD be balancing out any issue in your brain. Why would it be different from
one day to the next? Unless...... it isn’t actually an issue in your brain to
begin with. You shouldn’t have troughs and peaks in your mood, the depressants
should stabilise it, shouldn’t they? I had this issue, which made me question
whether the depressants were really working.
Hormones/having a baby/breastfeeding, all of these
things are a reason that you suffer with a “depression”. But maybe you’re not
depressed, you just need help jiggling around with your hormones. Making sure
you’ve got all the right vitamins and minerals (How are your vitamin D levels doing lately??). If you’re breastfeeding,
imagine all of the vits and mins you’re losing every single feed. It’s the same
as being pregnant, but when you’re pregnant your mood swings are excused by the
fact you’re having a baby. Oh look, here’s a little link about depression
caused by the milk let down during breastfeeding CLICK ME
But then when you have the baby people expect you to
be “normal”. But you’re not going to be “normal” if things within your body
still aren’t “normal”. “it's
possible that underlying hormonal factors contribute to both breastfeeding
issues and depression” (Reuters
2011)
This might not be solid science. And it doesn’t mean
that I think all my friends or anyone that has been diagnosed with PND are
liars or anything. I just think that there’s something MORE to it than to just
give you a tablet. I’ve had this, I know how it feels. Tablets didn’t change
me, I realised that I need help with my
hormones, and I have come to terms with the irrational feelings, I’ve become
more tuned in with my body and I know when I’m about to lose it.
Ladies, when you’re about to have your period you
have probably a week of PMT. Wild mood swings, crying, binge eating (maybe not
everyone, or every symptom, but it’s there!). How do we excuse this? “PMT, it’s
my hormones”. This isn’t depression, this is one week every single month where
you’re moody, snapping at your husband, just wanna eat chocolate, you feel
down. ALL of these things are what we link to depression, and you feel them
that week. Then they go, because your hormones are regulated again. Seems like
such an obvious link between hormones and mood swings, but’s just accepted and
ignored a bit. But it shows that it’s a lack of a certain hormone, or too much
of another hormone that messes your moods up.
Doctors are pill pushers. They might be missing
stuff out. They did with me. For 18 months I was told I had PND, and my actual
illness was overlooked and not dealt with. This had a HUGE impact on the way I
dealt with my son, my relationship with his father, and my relationship with my
family. This is the same for my best friend. She was diagnosed with “depression”
(no baby). Her thyroid condition was completely missed. Her collapsed veins
were completely missed. For many years. It’s scary really. And oh look, here’s
a link explaining all about hormones, depression and thyroid....CLICK ME TOO
So please, take a look at what else could be
happening with your body. Has your thyroid been looked at? Are you eating the
right things? Don’t settle for a diagnosis of PND, dig deeper. And if you
believe you ARE depressed, why not try some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural
Therapy). These anti-depressant tablets are bad news. What other options have
you got? I could have taken mine for a long,long time, but I’m lucky enough to
have found a true diagnosis- PCOs, and it’s a horrible thing to have, but I’m
so glad not to be piling crap into my body that it doesn’t need.
You’re not a bad mum for being upset, or getting
frustrated with your baby. And I’m certainly not patronising anyone, just don’t
want people’s expectations to be too high. You’ve had a kid, your hormones are
everywhere, you’re sleep deprived, your life is totally different to how it was
a year ago. Don’t you think it is completely normal and expected to feel a bit
weird?
Aren’t some of these things like the same feeling as
when your period is due and you’re shouting at hubby because he coughed during
corrie?
Insist on having a blood test. Get everything looked
at. Do you want to become dependent on a tablet? Especially if you don’t know
if it’s 100% the right thing.
I don’t want to offend anyone by saying I don’t
believe in depression. I know how you feel. I just hate slapping a label on it “PND”,
everyone nodding their head in sympathy and thanking god you’re on your antidepressants.
Because while that’s all going on, you’re still having bad days, still secretly
crying at the telly, feeling angry and frustrated with the baby when it won’t
take a nap. And that isn’t good enough, not for me or my friends or anyone.
I had PCOs, not PND. And I just don’t want anyone
else to have a condition overlooked because the doctor has told you that it’s
depression.
Before I finish, however, I do want to urge women
who aren’t feeling 100% to go to the doctors. There are some really scary
things that happen when you are feeling depressed. I would never dimiss this.Thoughts
about death, especially, can be very frightening, and may make you feel as if
you are going mad or completely out of control. You may be afraid to tell
anyone about these feelings. It's important to realise that having these
thoughts doesn't mean that you are actually going to harm yourself or your
children, although this does happen very occasionally. YOU MUST SEE YOUR
GP, SPEAK TO FAMILY/FRIENDS, OR YOUR HEALTH VISITOR.
VERY IMPORTANT
Lesson we learnt?
Maybe there’s another answer....
Things to look at...
