10 Things My Stupid Doctor Said...

The following blog post contains strong language, graphic violence, nudity, adult situations & scenes of a sexual nature.  

That's a lie, but I do say cunt. A lot. 

It's unlike me to come out of the GP office in a rage (scoff), but today was just ONE O'THEM DAYS.

Here's what my doctor said...

1. There are only 2 ways to properly lose weight; (1) Surgery *insert fake lipo sound* or (2) Starvation. Cunt.
2. Calories make you put on weight (true). So steer clear of fruit because it's just sugar and water. You heard it here first, fruit is the devil.
3. Ovaries are like men's testicles, they don't like to be squeezed *insert creepy glint in eyes*. I never want to talk about testicles with my overweight, 60 year old German GP. Ever.
4. To lose weight you have to be hungry. When you're hungry, wait 2 hours and you won't be hungry anymore. Because you're unconscious or dead.
5. Buy organic sunflower bread. Take out 1 slice, cut it in half. 1 half is breakfast, 1 half is lunch. (Maybe he should patent this recipe, specially designed for prospective anorexics...)
6. It's OK to feel aggressive, faint, headachey & weak. It's all part of the losing weight process. And this is healthy to be feeling that way whilst taking care of a 19 month old???
7. I must be having problems due to recessive genes. And should be grateful I don't have red hair and lots of freckles (or even worse...asthma!). I kid you not.
8. When you're in pain, take Ibuprofen. Sorry, you complete CUNT, but what about when the pain has caused you to faint??
9. If you eat a plate of white bread and chocolate, no amount of running will make you thin. I don't eat either, but thanks for this insightful piece of information
10. Come back in a month and we'll see how you are. AHAHAHA worst one of all, coz in a month I'll come back and you'll still be a cunt and you'll still do nothing to help me.

So you see, ladies and gentlemen, today I've been given just a load of bollocks (unsqueezed, because apparently they don't like that...). Thanks Doc, for making wait yet another MONTH before you'll consider referring me to a gyno. 

End of post, I'm off to starve myself....

Oh and the lesson we've learnt?

Take a Dictaphone into the docs office with you, so you can record them being an idiot. It's a lot easier than trying to remember it after you've smashed your head onto a desk SEVERAL times.